Holidays are difficult. Anything that produces more than three emotions at once is going to be difficult. I read somewhere that our brains cans handle 15,000 decisions A SECOND. My brain must not have gotten that memo considering it gets plagued with anxiety any time I have even one choice to make. However, today since I choose (and by choose I mean force myself) to live in the solution instead of the problem...I have options.
When I was using my world was very limited. I woke up every morning with two goals; to find money...then find heroin. I went to bed every night not only praying I wouldnt have to wake up the next morning and do it all over again...but simply that I just wouldnt have to wake up. Lessons are repeated until learned and my days were all repeats of the ones that came before. When I think about that now instead of feeling despair, I have hope. I know if I can survive that type of drug abuse then I can certainly survive this type of recovery.
I'm often scared, I'm usually resistent, and I'm always uncomfortable...but it's worth it. How could it not be? How can I look at all the friends I've made and not believe that this life is worth it? I know for a fact that as long as I'm facing God then I'm headed in the right direction. Despite how I feel, despite reactions, emotions, comments, and accusations...if I'm serving God then I'm moving forward. Thankfully I don't have to base my worth off of the world's standards anymore.
I can be the strongest, coolest, biggest tree in the entire forest but if all my limbs are weighed down with rotten fruit...I'm nothing. Death will always produce death. But, if I'm connected to a source that never fails, that never gives up, that never stops, that never even gets tired, then I'm alive and everything I put into this world will also have life. It's become so obvious to me in these past nine months that what John Bunyon said four years before I was even born is true for me today. "If my life is fruitless it doesn't matter who praises me and if my life is fruitful it doesn't matter who criticizes me."
I have one master today.
And it isn't heroin.