I try to be a lot of things I’m not…humble is one of them. I believe true humility isn’t necessarily denying one’s strengths, but being honest about one’s weaknesses…and that is something I just cannot do. I believe in deliverance 100 percent. I understand that the most effective way to share my story of deliverance is to live it… and that’s when I lose heart. I don’t live as evidence that God is who He says He is. If anything I testify against it. I don’t live as proof that there is so much more than what we think we know… or that God’s mercy really can transform a person’s life. I go out into the world with the intention to love…but then get scared…every time. I allow my past to influence my present and as a result I’m paralyzed in my own fear…every time. I look at people from behind the barrel of my gun and wonder why they won’t put their gun down first. I guess the fact that we’re all just trying to defend ourselves has never been in question. That’s not what scares me. It’s not the hypothetical guns I’m worried about as much asthe ammunition they’re loaded with.
The people who are close to me witness a lot of my weaknesses; they have more than enough ammunition in their guns to completely annihilate me if they choose to. They don’t, thank God, but they could… so I test the waters a lot. I’ll jump in then jump out… act then react… make myself the size of the whole room then huddle in a corner… sometimes an observer, occasionally a participant… generally the loudest, commonly mute…usually arrogant but always petrified…all because I come from a place that’s fear based. It’s not the adversaries in my life who scare me…it’s my allies… because I know it isn’t our enemies who have the power to destroy us…it’s our friends. “Every action has an EQUAL and OPPOSITE reaction.” That’s Newton’s third law of physics and I can almost guarantee you that if it’s true in the physical world, it’s true in the emotional one. The amount of joy someone can bring into your life is the amount of pain they’re capable of; equal and opposite…totally and completely.
With that in mind…I honestly don’t know how anyone gets to a point in their life where they truly believe God is all they need without God at some point or another being all they had. How do you know if God can heal you if you’ve never been sick? How do you know his truth can set you free if you’ve never been enslaved? God is love... not human love…not confused, or manipulated, or complicated, or fear based... but pure unconditional, unadulterated love. Perfect love drives out all fear. That’s why a mother can run into a burning building to save her child without a second thought or hesitation. The most important thing we can do on earth is learn how to love like that with everyone. It’s in loving that we’re most like God because He is, of course, love.
When I allow people, situations, or circumstances to be my main suppliers of love I’m constantly terrified of losing them. Every tiny piece of love someone gave me I would have to cling onto for dear life because obviously I wouldn’t know when my next supply was coming. Love is the most powerful thing in the world…we feed off of it…so even when it’s displaced, it still dominates. Power can be destructive if it’s put into the wrong places.
Unless I’m connected to the one true source of love every ounce of affection I try to give away or receive on my own is going to be a second-hand watered down version of the real thing. It will also never be enough. Why would anyone settle for something counterfeit? If I truly, truly loved someone wouldn’t I want them to feel the real thing instead of just what I’ve made it to be? If they really cared about me wouldn’t they want the same? If we start with something fake…we will end with something fake. Nothing on earth that’s fake ever turns real, it’s just not possible. However if I start with God…the only thing I know to be real, and true, and not necessarily fair (but always just)…then the possibilities are endless. The results will last forever.
“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
1 Cor 13:7